Jaycee's Rants Of Absolute Shit All
by Deamon Eyes
Summary: Random rants of a Vampire named Jaycee and his days. Basically he's bitching about stuff. Was written because I'm bored and rated because FanFiction thinks it should be M. Have fun reading!
1. Chapter 1

Pshh. This is rubbish. What is rubbish? Why zombies of course! 'Most scared of monster', pah, those losers know nothing. By 'those losers' I mean the brain dead idiots who made this movie, the only reason I'm still sitting here is because Megan likes it, my new girlfriend. The only reason I'm not dragging her out of here is because unlike my usual playthings, she's also a Vampire so she'll probably rip my throat out.

I thought Megan was different, you know, not a total bitch because she knows how hard it is being a Vampire in a world ruled by humans. But alas... I would so love to go all Vampy on their asses, the humans of course not the Vampires, but believe it or not bullets fucking hurt. Not that I know from experience of course because I'm not a moron that goes prancing around and chugging people like I'm at a fucking high school party. Because in theory getting a hole blasted through you at high speeds because of gun powder would hurt, right?

The thing that really makes me want to find an AK-47 and just blow people's brains out, yes I'm violent get over it, are the books. The god dammed books, what's that? The power of the book compels me? Yeah, well guess what? The books... lied! GASP! Really though, I hate it when they think were all invincible and shit I mean if we were invincible you'd be dead because, you know, we would be ruling this fucking planet! but nooo... and the worst thing is... I'm sorry, I just... oh god... really? Why? FUCKING SPARKLING!

'Oh God! No! No! Please spare me, I have a wife and kids, please God! No, I'll do anything just don't sparkle me to death!'

Yeah, well guess what, Stephanie Meyer, if that is your real name. Fuck you, just seriously, Fuck. You. I know you were pissing yourself laughing while you wrote that. Guess what? I'll come to your window at night and just stare at you because Vampires just totally do that kind of thing. Were all moody and complete stalkers we also live with our parents, because who doesn't want a 180 year old boyfriend who STILL LIVES IN HIS PARENTS HOUSE! We have commitment issues as well and that's why we'll run away right when we're getting serious, to go fuck some bimbo half way across the world and pretend I left for you.

No, although I did the last part once... or maybe twice, the rest is complete and utter bullshit. We don't glitter in the sun, who am I a Fairy? We aren't immortal, immortal means that you'll live until the sun eventually implodes and then you'll keep on living, even when you're reduced to ashes you'll just put yourself back together, we just grow slowly, very, very slowly.

Were not cold, because we have a heartbeat, we have blood in us it just get's soaked into the tissues too fast so we need more. We have fangs and we drink human blood, there just not retractable, the fang not the blood, does even make sense? This is why you don't get me angry! My brain just goes Kaput! We don't have powers to lure you out, no super strength or speed (although I did get considerably faster and stronger). We have the same eye colour. No, I did not know Jesus, I'm not that old. Bitting you doesn't turn you into a Vampire; we get babies the normal way, you know, buying them on e-bay.

Now that that's cleared up we can get back to the issue at hand... zombies. An inferior species on all levels and considerably uglier if I might add. Let's face it, zombies just can't with stand all of our awesomeness. It rolls off us in waves.

Okay, let's see, zombies don't eat brains. Yes, yes, I know the books got it wrong yet again. Zombies are like little brain-dead toddlers with decaying limbs and covered in a type of something that can only be described as 'eww'... but that's not the point, to us awsometastic Vamps. They actually drink blood but are too dumb to realise there's a humongous supply of blood in the heart which is located in the chest area, they just try to pop the tops of you humans like a bottle. They also eat some but only a little, zombies of course can't control there urges and eat too much, that's why they look like their throwing up blood half the time.

There whingers, like whiners but a million times more worse, they don't moan for you, they don't moan in pain, they moan because their thirsty and bored. I suppose I can't call them brain-dead though because they all have a few opinions but they usually mumble those because there not sure if there right, peer pressure even as the living dead, you can't escape it, but one thing they can all agree on is the lanes, bus lanes and bike lanes, no one uses them but if they do they get empty star bucks cups thrown at them, to you people with inferior hearing it might sound like 'brains'.

They also shuffle, like really shuffle, slowly, but you guys never see that because they can also run, of course they don't like doing that, but who does? They only run when they smell adrenalin, don't ask because I don't know why, but that's why they are attracted to theme parks and other things that make your heart pump double time.

They don't reproduce, no, eww, zombie sex, c'mon don't tell me you didn't think of that when I said 'reproduce'. They make more by biting you but not epically mauling you. What, you really think they would have powers? Their limbs are falling off for Christ sakes! Zombies are easy to get rid of you just shoot them, you know, normal things that'll kill you wussy humans. Or you could wait them out, like a couple of days at the most, they'll just start eating themselves or the disease that made them into a zombie will dissolve their flesh. So cheery hey? Or you could make them listen to Miley Cyrus, of course that'll kill anything not deaf.

Oh thank God the 'movies' over, hah, horror my ass.

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Hey, so, like it?

What should Jaycee (the Vampire) complain about next?

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	2. Chapter 2

Thanks _SeleneD_

* * *

You know what ticks me off? Stupid names. I mean seriously, are they trying to be mean or are they just that moronic? Did you know my name isn't Jaycee? No way. I had to suffer. Know why? Well, obviously because my parents wanted me to forever remember that I was an accident. They called me... Eustace. I swear that's the name they picked. I'm not fucking with you.

Seriously though it's like they wanted me to kill them. My sister was named Grettle. No jokes, she was eaten by a witch. It was a nice witch though, none of that god awful cackling that sounded like nails down a chalk board. The witch only did it so G (that's what we called her or she would hide in her room for a couple of days) would be put out of her misery, the witches name was damell, it meant cauldron. C-a-u-l-d-r-o-n. What... the... fuck?

Do super stars think that just because there famous they can fuck around with the laws of names? No, they shouldn't be able to. It's wrong on so many levels. Blanket? Isn't that what Michal Jackson called one of his kids? No offence meant to MJ, I love his thriller clip, anything that makes fun of zombies is okay with me. But I mean isn't everyone entitled to a good name?

You know who has fucked up names? The cat's of middle aged, single, crazy ladies. They're guys as well but usually its girls who name there cat's something so horrible and just plain against nature it should be illegal.

Okay, here's how you get a cat name, pick either Mr or Mrs and add an adjective. Now add the name of an inanimate object. Plus something that has to do with rainbows or sparkles (basically things that make you want to puke). Now add princess on the end. Wanna know what I came up with?

Mrs. Prancing Bubble Glitter Princess.

Yes, that's right, somewhere in the world a depressed cat was just named Mrs. Prancing Bubble Glitter Princess. May God have mercy on her soul, or she get's run over by a semi truck. Either ways fine with me.

I'm such a hypocrite. I'm so gonna name my kid something horrible because my parents did it to me, I just wanna make someone suffer like had to. Oh! Dylan, I'll call my kid Dylan! (A/N: Maximum Ride reference) But what's bad about that is then my kid will call his/her kid something even more horrible like Victor (A/N: Vampire Academy reference) and the cycle will just keep on going! Until the horror of all horrors one of my descendants will be named... Edward! No! Dear God! I'm ashamed to be the however many greats grandfather of that... that thing (A/N: I don't like Edward if you haven't already noticed)

Okay, you know what? I will put this to a stop right now, no more will a star call there kid light bulb, no more will I forever have night mares about that thing, I will now go out, into the night and stop this once and for all... with the power of Dance!

* * *

So what did you call your cat?

Ranting suggestions?

Retarded names?

How do you save the world through dance?


	3. Chapter 3

Another from _SeleneD._

* * *

Fairy tales? Oh, you mean the little kid stories? Or at least they're supposed to be little kid stories.

The Pied Piper; pedophile. He plays a pipe and lures all the kids of the village off into a cave with him, that's a peddo at its best.

Hansel and G; Cold blooded murder. They should be put in jail, I mean seriously? All the witch wanted was some food, is that so wrong? And why the hell did they listen to their stepmom, didn't the cackling give her away? A candy house? You'd think you'd attract flies or something. Remember, if you see a full scale ginger bread house, you should lay off the crack.

Snow white; typical blond bimbo. Her hair was totally dyed, you can just tell because, hello, living with _7_ other men. Why would you take an apple from an old lady? It probably has crazy germs or something. And why not a gun? Easy, simple, quick, no disguise necessary, they know you killed her anyway. Wait, wait, wait... a kiss, what kind of fucked up guy kisses a _dead _girl lying in a forest? You don't know how long she's been there! –I don't think 5 second rule counts in this situation-

Alice's adventures in wonder land; she's just plain fucked up.

Beauty and the Beast; ... He's a bloody humongous wolf! Inanimate objects talk! It's your fault for wanting a stupid rose. Why can't you be a spoilt bitch like your sisters! Why on earth did you did you go to an abandoned castle to get the rose? Nothing ever good comes out of going to an abandoned castle. Why are you that possessive over your flowers, you're a wolf? If you knew she was a witch, why did you make fun of her? Don't make fun of witches.

The boy who cried wolf; I don't blame him, I would of done the same thing, heck I probably would of done something worse. That's why I rant, it stops me from being bored.

Thumbelina; actually a midget in disguise who kills the nice old lady and takes over the world. Or... a girl who grows out of a flower. Which sounds more interesting?

On the subject of different versions, who reads comic books? Well there's one called return to wonderland by Joe Brusha. Yes, it's an Alice in wonderland sequel, except way more interesting.

Okay, so Alice came back and grew up, but she also went crazy. Awesome so far hey? And her kid was called Lacie, because of course she had to be an anagram of her mother's –yet another stupid name- Oh yeah, and her brother is evil, of course, so she threw him into wonderland.

_hmm... sign him up for the lunatic asylum or toss him into a world of fantasy where he may or may not become totally powerful and help the red queen destroy all of wonderland... the second one sounds easier, oh well, at least he won't come back looking for revenge. _

Guess what!? He came back... Nice planning!

You know what's worse than a Fairy tale? Nursery rhymes. Now there fucked up.

Rock a bye baby... have you listened to the words, the baby goes splat!

Ring a Ring o Rosies is a disease, you sing- happily might I add- about people dying painfully from the bubonic plague... Really?

Twinkle, twinkle little star... is for idiots I mean we all know what a star is; _large exploding balls of gas, frequently hydrogen and helium. Our adjoining star, the Sun, is so scorching that the vast quantity of hydrogen is undergoing a invariable star-wide nuclear reaction, like in a hydrogen bomb. Even despite the fact that it is persistently exploding in a nuclear reaction, the Sun and other stars are so outsized and have so much matter in them that it will acquire billions of years for the explosion to utilize all the "fuel" in the star. The enormous reactions taking place in stars are relentlessly releasing electromagnetic radiation into the universe, which is why we can see them and find them on radio telescopes such as the ones in the Deep Space Network (DSN). Stars, including the Sun, also propel out a solar airstream and rupture out infrequent solar flares._ _Scientists think that the central part of the Sun is a 15 million degree Celsius plasma, a soup of electrons and protons that are stripped from hydrogen atoms. This "soup," called plasma, makes up 90 percent of the Sun. Every second, thousands of protons in the Sun's core collide with other protons to manufacture helium nuclei in a nuclear fusion reaction that releases energy. Just outside the foundation, energy moves outward by a procedure called radiation. Closer to the exterior, the energy moves out by a process called convection - searing gases rise, cool, and descend back downward once more. As these masses of gas budge, they shove off of each other causing "Sun-quakes." These make the substance in the Sun vibrate. These Sun-quakes help scientists establish the Sun's internal configuration and the processes occurring at dissimilar locations underneath the Sun's surface._

Duh... It's so obvious. Is anyone put off soup? Getting way off topic.

Humpty Dumpty died.

Jack and Jill died.

Millions of people died when the London Bridge fell down.

They ate Baa Baa black sheep for Christmas.

Goosey Goosey Gander broke the man's neck.

The cat ate the mouse next time he ran up the Hickory Dickory Clock.

Itsy Bitsy Spider Drowned.

Jack wasn't so nimble next time and is now a card corpse.

Old Mother Hubbard's doggie starved that winter.

You get the point?

* * *

Do you have any weird nursery rhymes or fairy tales?

Rant suggestions?


	4. Chapter 4

That whole shit about werewolves being our enemy is complete and utter bullshit. I like werewolves to be truthful. Well, you know, when there not all wolfed out one me that is. I honestly feel sorry for werewolves, being one is like the_ ultimate_ PMS where you actually look the part; a rabid wolverine that tears the heads off little woodland creatures.

Not that I'm complaining with that. Stupid birds, what with their singing and happiness.

Could you imagine a PMSing werewolf during the full moon? I once heard a quote: 'I have PMS and a gun, you were saying?'

More like I have deadly sharp teeth and an instinct to eat your face first, bitch slap you second, now I ask you again, does this make me look fat?

So, so glad I don't have a werewolf girlfriend. Well I actually did once, but she ran into the forest and I never saw her again... good riddance, her breath smelled like Bambie.

I hate Bambie. Still don't know if its a boy. Maybe its a hermaphrodite, that's disturbing, poor unsuspecting kids. Did you know that sesame street has a character with HIV? Strange children shows, don't get me started on My Little Pony. I got off topic again...

Now, I'm not going to carry on with the subject of werewolves because they will come and eat me. So instead I'm going to put up a few questions that many of my girlfriends have asked me when/if I tell them that I'm a vampire.

Some of these have come from my blog, because what kind of moody vampire would I be if I couldn't write down my angst induced feelings?

Copy these questions into your profile (with_ your_ answers and, of course, reasons why for the more weird ones) if you feel like it.

O negative or B positive?

Team Edward or Jacob? (Team Charlies Mustache)

Holy water or Sprite?

Neck or wrist? (depends how hot they are)

Decaying zombie with bad BO or PMSing werewolf girlfriend? (This is a hard one)

Do you like soft, fragile, unco, easily confused and trick able girls or cheerleaders? (This one's a no brainer, cheerleader!)

Do you sparkle? (This was from a really dumb girl, we were at the park with the sun on us)

Do you brood?

Don't you just hate fast food? (This is why all the psycho killers go for the dumb one who runs around in circles with her high heels on. If they get the one on the track team they look like idiots trying to catch up)

Flaming unicorn or a pony? (I have no idea why but it sounded cool)

Zombified or death?

Who do you go for; Grandmother or the big bad wolf?

Would you kiss a frog if it became a prince? (I think the guy was hitting on me)

* * *

Rant suggests?

Submit your answers!

Questions you want me to answer?

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	5. Chapter 5

_SeleneD_ XD Thanks

* * *

Okay let me get one thing straight;

I.

Like.

Chocolate.

Do you think there are any good shops near decent caves? Ha, no, that was a trick question. There _are_ no decent caves, there _caves_ for Christ sakes. If I wanted to live in, eww, nature then I would be a hippie.

I can rip out huge trees with my bare hands and you expect me to live in a cave? What am I a cave man? Cave vamp? Whatever.

No, I've got a fucking huge house. That's what a couple of life times get you. Money. Boya! Seriously though, stereo typing is frowned upon. I've read vampire books, you know, to laugh at when the vampire says 'No! I can't be with you! I'll hurt you!' or the ever popular 'I'm dangerous.'

That line just cracks me up because, hey, you eat fucking animals. You'll totally get owned by a purse wielding grandma, much less a girl. Those things are dangerous. Especially when you run with them. There like scissors. The grandma, not the purse- I mean- never mind.

Getting just a bit side tracked. Anywho. Vampires in books are rich, as living in abandoned fucking castles, with, of course, undead butlers. **(A/N: Oh my fucking God my computer doesn't know what undead is, it underlined it with a red squiggly line.) **I don't like old things, so I don't live in an obsolete castle. I live in a mansion, with many servants, which are all young, not old and wrinkly.

I also don't like wimps. I mean, you're gonna live forever, you're a total babe magnet and let's not forget the awesome hair. Yes, you get awesome hair if you're a vamp, don't try to hide it, I know you're jealous, it's okay though, many people are.

Seriously though, it's like animal cruelty, they don't have much blood in them, well, the ones that you can get close to without being shredded limb from limb. Drink from humans, they have plenty and I don't see them using it anytime soon, plus, they've got whole levels of hospitals dedicated to blood.

Okay, so if _Humans_ take it from you it's all fine, but if I try to bite you it's all 'OMGEE! This weirdos trying to bite me!' It was very hurtful. I've contemplated taking the blood bags, but, well, you know that horrible slice cheese that tastes like plastic? Yeah, the blood tastes like that.

Why would you want someone to take blood from you? I mean at least when we do it you don't need a... a... shudder, needle. Yes I'm a vampire with needle phobia or whatever the hell it's called. Deal with it.

I'm also not a big fan of rugby of NFL or gridiron or whatever all the gay people are doing these days. I have nothing against actual gay people, it's just inbuilt into my system that when I don't like someone I call them gay. It's like calling someone a whore even if there a guy, I just do it, I mean nothing by it. That came out wrong. Sorry! I **_meant,_** it's like when I call- fuck it. I'm gonna go drink bleach when I'm done with this.

I'm a compulsive liar. I don't think about, it I just do it. It comes easily. Like Yo mum Ahahahahahahah. No... See what boredom does to me? It lowers my intellectual level to making Yo mum jokes. I hope you're happy you fucked up bastard. By the way, I'm talking to my roommate, he locked me out and right now I'm plotting ways of killing him slowly.

How does pouring hot lava down his throat so it burns him from the inside out? No, that won't work, I'm not quite sure how to get lava. It's days like these where I wish I lived next to an active volcano. No, actually, it's days like these I wish I lived in a cave...Ahahahah. I'm killing myself here. No seriously, boredom will kill us all, just like everything will give us cancer.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop now because I've totally lost the plot and I'm pretty sure the 2 dollar shop has some lava, after all they have everything. Everything except radioactive moles. That you can get at your local warehouse *cheesy grin and awkward wink that looks like a twitch*

* * *

Suggests?

Random words that your computer doesn't know?

Other painful torturing ideas?


	6. Chapter 6

_SeleneD _helped with the making of this nonsensical babble. Oh, sure, I know how to spell nonsensical but I spell 'the' as 'teh'. Teh, whatever. It's like Meh, but better. XD

* * *

I don't really have much to say on politics. I mean why don't we just live peacefully? ...

Ahahahahaha! Oh My God! I said that with a straight face! Hahahaaahaah! Can't breathe! Can't breathe! Oh! I bet you believed me didn't you? Don't try to deny it. I have a great poker face.

Any who, you humans are laaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Why? Well, because you have to vote and all that shit. I, technically, don't have to, you know, since I don't exist.

Do we really want- sorry, _need_, no one wants more people with sticks up there asses- to have that many 'leaders'? Seriously. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go around munching on them so we don't have to listen to boring speeches when were too lazy to walk all the way to the TV and change the channel because we can't find the remote?

Hah! Too late, now I'm gonna start cult of vampires and go around bitting politicians.

Cult is an awesome word... *ahem* and what I meant by that was I love puppies...

...

Okay, I'm not gonna lie and pretend I was listening in school when we did the whole politics angle. I know nothing. Zip. Ziltch. Nadda. I just know there's a red room and a green one.

But I do know Politicians lie a lot, maybe it's just the news channels and their – mostly fictional – stories but apparently everyone's a huge bitch. If they weren't so boring I bet they'd put them on big brother. I can actually imagine that. Wow.

Or maybe they'd have a show on their own like a Drama or something. How does 'Miami Politicians' sound? Too long? How about 'The Politicians' they'll back stab you while shaking hands with the Queen of England. *Flash of pearly white teeth and thumbs up*

And just like a montage of people shaking hands. Oh! And someone has to have a knife and smile evily. Oh yeah! Can't forget at least one explosion. People won't watch it otherwise. They should go around saving little kittens and famous people right in the nick of time.

One rule with things that go boom is if there's an explosion they can't look at it, because duh, if you want to look cool then you don't look at explosions.

You can't run away from them either, so just time it just right so you're far enough away that it looks cool. Too close and your barbequed. Too far away you look like a bad guy trying to run away.

And the bad guy has to have at least one scar. I'm getting pretty pumped about this actually! But I'm also boring you to death.

So anyway. On a subject so unrelated not even Naomi Robson could segue it...

Fuzzy dice.

I just don't like them, there meant to be rolled not hanging off your rear-view mirror. And who the hell came up with them? There impractical! They don't make sense! There almost as dumb as that MEERCAT SHOW. Is that even still playing? I have got to stop referring to TV; I can almost feel my brain cells ebbing away.

Oh well, Buh-buy brain cells, because I will never stop watching TV. Eva. It's addictive, like blue cheese... and then you find out it's mold... and spend the rest of day within a 1 meter radius from the toilet bowl just in case you start blowing chunks again...

* * *

Suggestions?

Ideas for names of the show?

Things that seem impractical but people buy/get them free with a gift bag anyway?

Did the words 'blowing chunks' sound as funny to you as it did to me? because I just find it hilarious sometimes.


	7. Chapter 7

Awkward moments are fun.

Don't get me wrong, if it's happening to me I hate it as much as the next guy who walks into a room and just realizes that it's the wrong one and tries to get out without looking like he has down syndrome.

But of course he fails.

Because if he gets away with it, it's not an awkward moment. I try to avoid all weird moments as best as I can.

You see I don't have normal awkward moments, I have supernatural awkward moments... and those hurt way more.

I've had normal ones, like this one time I missed my stop because I couldn't get my bag out from under like twenty others that were in the buses luggage thingy. Worst of all, it was crowded and I was shoved against this girl I knew and she said 'Hi Jaycee' so I said 'Hi' back and continued my struggle with my back pack... I missed 4 stops and had to endure the pitied staring of Willow (the girl) the whole time.

Some are even worse than that, yes, I know, what's worse than missing 4 stops with an Uber hot girl pitying you the whole time? When I think back now, I realized she could of helped me. That Bitch! Sorry, getting off track, where were we? Oh yes, the painful kind of awkward moments.

Like this one time, this random chick came up to me and said 'Hi' really cheerfully and I just thought she was one of those people who runs around and says 'Hi' to everyone. I just said 'Hi' back and tried to walk away. But then she starts talking... Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I had "something" to attend to, so when I try to walk away she started following me. I couldn't just say bye because she just wouldn't stop talking! Going on and on and on about nothing! Actually, they should classify that as a super power. Or maybe an Olympic sport.

Anyway, I decided to be mean, just for fun. I didn't know this girl and she was annoying me. So I turned to her and was about to say just that, when she leans in close and tells me she's a werewolf and that she didn't tell me last time because she only just found out that I'm a Vampire.

Fuck me.

Remember when I insinuated that if you screw with a werewolf then you better get used to being his/her bitch for the rest of your existence? Well this was even worse, why? Because I've already met her. One thing I learned from experience was that people don't like being forgotten about. Much less girls who are making goo-goo eyes at you. Much less girl werewolves who are making goo-goo eyes at you and can track you down from across the ocean (another personal experience).

So I try and drag it out from her... it didn't work. She laughed off my attempts and said that I was such a "silly billy" What the fuck does that even mean?

So I see a bus stop and a bus just coming around the corner. I head in that direction and when I get there I look around for the bus. It's stuck at the lights. Again, say it with me this time folks.

Fuck.

Me.

So now I have no excuse not to look at her. I look, and now I can't look away. Why? Well because she'll get annoyed because it looks like I'm not paying attention to her since I'm not looking at her. But I can't just stay looking at her, I mean do I smile, do I just stare? I can't look interested, because it's not interesting.

And now all these other thoughts creep up. What if she asks me a question, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. Where's this bus going? Is she getting on with me? I can't look at the bus schedule cause then she knows that I'm just trying to get away from her.

Can I risk it? Will she notice? What if it goes to the Zombie part of town? I've teased way too many Zombies for me to go there and be safe.

I looked...

Okay, I must admit that I don't exactly remember much of what happened next. Only a lot of screaming, the people at the bus stop fleeing, her shifting, and then blackness up until the part where I woke up in the middle of the forest about... what was it? Oh yeah, 37 km from the closest road. Torn and bloodied, and this, I only found out when I walked into a convenience store bathroom, the word "Hobo" written on my forehead with the same shade of red that ... I still don't know her name... was wearing.

* * *

Suggestions?

Awkward moments?

Painfully awkward moments?

Psycho werewolves out to get you?

Nice-but-actually-a-cold-hard-Bitch-deep-down-inside friends that I should look out for?


	8. Chapter 8

I Love Quotes!

Seriously, there amazing. Short and sweet. That's also how I like to write my stories, and, if I can help it, start out confusing, explain it all in such obviousness that you're smacking your forehead for not understanding and then end on a cliff-hanger so you'll want more.

God damn I'm evil. With the quotes, funny and evil at the same time.

E.g. I'm widow by choice.

See! Told ya! Sometimes insulting ones as well, but there only a few good ones.

E.g. being beauty deficient insinuates you had beauty in the first place.

That wasn't a good one, neither does it make sense, considering I made it up on the spot, but you get the point.

Creepy stories that have you turning on all the lights before entering a room are good as well, like there's this one called Graves by Justin Cawthorne, it's an e-book on iBooks.(He-he, rhymes) Sadistic Bi-Polar Lamas showed me. Fucking creeped me out, read it. Now. Go my minions! Ahem...

It was even worse because you don't actually have any chance of stopping it. It doesn't matter if you move, or have, like, a bazillion guards, Or even Chuck Norris, it _will_ get into your house, and it _will_ find you, and you _will_ die. Just fucking great! I'm creeping myself out now! I'm literally looking over my shoulder, like every 3 seconds, and, like, making so many spelling mistakes because I can't type without looking.

Okay, it's like 1 o'clock, I'm the only one in the house, I have a statue of the Doctor Who's Weeping Angel and a fake grave stone with my name on it, both from my asshole of a best friend. Who I've now demoted to just friend, and am now rambling on to keep my mind off, well, you know, dying... painfully. It's kinda funny how I've already died once considering I'm a vampire but... still disturbing.

In the book it's really freaky because, you know when you read things, you try to say it in, like, the voice, sort of, it's supposed to be in, like if it's panicky or cheerful, you automatically read the sentence in your mind like that? Well... I thought of the main character as a sort of laid back guy, and it's creepy because I read the _whole story_, when someone else wasn't talking of course, in my mind as a sort of calm/casual unhurried voice. Here, I'll put in a bit of the story; it's near the end...

'Now I can hear the noises. I wonder if this is what the others heard. Nothing happened outside of Bruce's house last night. Whoever, or whatever, came for him was already inside. I think I know how. I can hear the noises coming from underneath.

I'm not going to look.

It's digging it's way in.-'

There's more to the paragraph, and I think I just wrecked the whole thing, but I'm not gonna spoil anymore.

Fuck me.

I'm shitting myself right now, but it's such a good book! I'm a wuss though, so you can laugh at me, but! You have to read the book first, point and laugh second.

Also, it never tells you what it was...It just says there's an arm in his line of vision and a- blah, blah, blah! Can't hear myself! Does that even work? Not hearing yourself? Is it possible not to think of anything? 'Cause whenever someone tells me to clear my mind I always think of a black screen and a flashing white stick, you know, that thingy that shows you where your typing. Or sometimes just black space and then tapping sounds, like when people walk, their shoes make that sound, and 'I' walk into the 'room' and look around, shrug, sit down in that weird meditating pose and the sound of static fills my head... Yeah, I know I'm weird, and I don't care, deal with it...

And I have nothing more to think about...

God fucking damnit! Now I'm trying not to think of it but I'm still technically thinking of it and holy shit was that a scratching sound?!

...

No ... no it's good.

Good thing I have Knifey with me... yeah, because all the axe wielding murderers just run screaming from cute, little balls of fluff, that meow.

For those of you that didn't get it, my cat's adorable and is called Knifey, she got her name because her back legs are black and the rest of her is silvery-white, she looks like a knife... did I mention I bit her and now she's a blood sucking hairy beast?

I wasn't joking by the way, they will scream like little girls and run crying back to wherever they came from, she's a monster... but stwill so adowabul.

And that was my version of baby talk...

Is it strange that I'm comforted by my hand sized, fluffy, man eating cat?

I've seen her feeding once... all I'm gonna say is it was messy.

Wow... good times...

* * *

Sorry I took so long to update, something's wrong with the login thingy.

Suggestions?

What did you think of the book?

What freaks you out?

Did you read any of his other books?

Ha! Lol. My phone just rang and I like shat myself just then.

Shat was not a typo.

Shat is a cool word.

Shat is epic.

You will bow down to shat.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you _Victoria Valentine101 _for reading my things, I get lonely sometimes. Hugs? I'll try not to eat you. I really will try! ( ._.)

* * *

Hotels are one of the things I can tolerate. Mostly because they have elevators. God, I love elevators.

Who wouldn't? You move up and down! Also people can't get away from you in that cramped confined space. You can piss off so many people! I love it! And they made a whole horror movie in an elevator! You know, the one with the people… in the elevator… okay, so I haven't seen it yet but saw the commercials and I thought 'how the fuck do you watch two hours of people dying in an elevator?' I mean sure, they die, but wouldn't it get a bit annoying after the first 30 minutes? It's like, oh, yeah, it bit her… again… woopty-fucking-doo. Yeah, if you were in there I'm guessing the time would just fly by but still.

Ahh! I'm off topic! What was I talking about? Elevators? Wait, I can just scroll up and see. Oh! Hotels. Actually- ugh! That's the 7th time someone has come in and interrupted me! Fuck off, the remote is in the fucking kitchen! ARGH!

Sorry. Anyway, hotels are only there so you have some place to stay, not - like my family - who only drive 8 hours just to stay in a 'cool' hotel. Yep, I actually stabbed someone. It got on the news. And it was soooo worth it.

The Hotel is only good if it's in a great location, as in, Sweden. Horrible Hotels. Canada's not much better. Don't ask why, but I can't go to either of those places anymore. Because apparently, you're not allowed to-never mind.

Hotels are also good because you get that new home feel, and smell. Except when you're paranoid, or a spy. Then you have to watch out for hidden cameras or microphones. Then again, there are the bathrooms, no matter how hard you scrub the germs will stay… *shudder* But apart from that, I like hotels, I think I've said that before. Oh well.

I once went to this awesome place near the mountains, it had bunk beds and a pool table and everything was black and gothic-y. The other kids there were utter twats thought, but other than that it was pure awesome. When we woke up in the morning it was freezing, which I love. The car had frozen over during the night so we had to wipe the frost off, I took tons of pictures before that though.

Wait, are Motels and Hotels the same thing? I know Motels are where you park your car there or something… Whatever.

I hate room service. It's just an excuse to snoop around your things. My wallet got stolen once, I told the Manager of the Motel and she laughed and said we must be imagining it… what the fuck? Either way, the wallet was returned sitting on my pillow, yeah, real subtle. At least try. Let's just say the culprit disappeared after that for a couple of days.

Who else thinks Eminem is secretly a table?

Never mind.

My brother used to work at a motel that had an elevator that opens up at the back. It was cool at first, then a little girl got lost in their and didn't want to come back out. They were threatening to sue apparently but the manager told them to stuff it and to not leave small kids alone.

I liked that manager, he was fun. He was also a Tikleghj but wasn't a problem until I asked for a race up the stairs, stupid Tikleghj.

* * *

Suggestions?

Any cool Motels?

Do you think he's a table or any other type of furniture?

Sorry for, like, dying. I was too lazy to do things.


	10. Chapter 10

Well, it was taken down by powers out of my control and I was forced to change the rating, but its back up now. Sorry, haven't been on in a while.

Malls? Hmm… might be fun. The credit to the fact that my awesometastic skillz can be shown off to you goes to _Victoria Valentine 101_.

* * *

I, personally, despise malls. You see? That starting was special because I used despise instead of hate. I just felt like spicing things up a little…

I despise malls because… well, why would you like them in the first place, the only reason you're there is so you can shop for all your stupid mortal needs and then get out. Not that "Mythical" creatures don't need to use the mall but I'm aiming this at normal humans so just shut up for a sec.

You're in a room – technically – filled with stinky, disgusting, shopping dwellers, laughing and chatting, or just plain breathing. It's horrible. Not the place itself, of course, the architects didn't do a half bad job with the nearest ones to me.

Then again, I hate people. Even if I disagreed with the internal structure of the building, I'd still probably blame it on incompetent workers. I prefer to treat people the same, as in, you're all ass wipes. Yes, I just called you an ass wipe, are you sad now? You should be.

Either way, the only 'shoppers' I don't hate are the teenagers, they are hilarious, trying to buy clothes while still trying to make it fun. Dude, if you're going to go to a mall, see a freaking movie or something, don't just wander around doing nothing.

Malls are good for people watching though. Have you seen the little girls with the slutty outfits and their only 9? That is actually ROFL worthy; you will actually fall on the ground and laugh.

That's enough about people though. What else do they have in malls? Oh! Shops! I'm a genius. Occasionally you get a cool store with pretty trinkets inside (by that I mean explosives) and you have to go in. There is literally a magnetic pull. Well not literally but… whatever.

Most of the people nowadays use online shopping sites but that doesn't really help my case point… case point? What was the rant in the first place? Never mind.

If you leave me alone I can get from beached whales to the Titanic, try it, it's fun.

Any who, that was really bad so why don't I go onto the next one?

* * *

Well, _Heartbreaker27 _I can't comment too much since I do it anyway, but I'll try, just for you.

* * *

So, the one thing I'm a hypocrite in is people being weird for no random reason. Seriously, when they're around you want to … do illegal things too them… involving pain… lots of it.

Anyway, I used to have a bunch of friends who would think they're the shit. Like, they'd be the loudest people no matter where they'd go. Even at concerts. That's how bad they are, it's like they're not aware that they annoy people. They have a… bubble if you will around their heads so they can't hear the people around them telling them to shut up. Not that I didn't partake in pissing people off, I actually knew I was doing it, it was deliberate for me.

Sure, its fine and all if you aren't too loud or maybe you don't get in other peoples way but if you're just being plain senseless – read as: stupid – then you should just go and play in traffic.

This one time I was on a bus (Whoa! I never saw that coming! Have you noticed a lot of my stories involve busses? I hate them, but I'm ranting about other things right now so shush. ) and a group of 15 – 16 girls get on, it's pretty packed and everything seemed fine until they started giggling. It always starts with the giggling. Then they were shoving each other.

Remember, it's packed so the little space near the front especially for disabled people had about 7 people standing there. The gaggle of girls were shoving each other into other passengers, and then two had to go and _sit down_right in the middle. I know, right?

But they were oblivious to the rude gestures and nudges from the other patrons. As this went on, they got louder and louder till they were practically- no, they _were_ shouting at each other, many missed their bus stops because the girls were in the way and the bus driver was an asshole who didn't wait for them to get off.

An old lady tripped and while about 4 other people closest got up to help her the girls gave her a weird look _ you know the one that said 'Don't-touch-me-creep' and shuffled away.

One guy ripped into them soon after, snapping about how disgusting they were being and how they should 'play in traffic' awesome insult. I forever used it afterwards. By the end of the rant they were crying.

That might sound mean but you should have heard what they were talking about. Really harsh stuff about some random girls and a couple of the people on the bus as well. All in all, it was amusing and that's what counts, right?

Ugh, that was bad as well. I'm going to sleep.

* * *

Don't come at me with pitchforks, I will beat you at your own game.

Do you have any cool stores that you like?

How about little kids? And yes, that was supposed to be dirty.

How about annoying people?

How did you get rid of them?

Teach me, for I must learn the ways of the Jedi.

Dafuq?


End file.
